


Wanting...needing

by StormyBear30



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-15
Updated: 2011-10-15
Packaged: 2017-10-24 15:20:59
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/264988
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StormyBear30/pseuds/StormyBear30





	Wanting...needing

He doesn't need my anymore. I know this now. Hell…I've known it for quite some time now…but tonight as I watch him the truth hits home so clearly that it literally scares me to tears. He's changed so much in the two years since Ben has died…two years and some days I can hardly recognize the faithful sidekick who was always at my side. I hate it…hate the man that he has turned out to be because he is so much more of a true man then I could ever be. He is everything and more to everyone that means something to him. Time and time again he has been there for the members of his family that love him just as passionately as he loves them and it drives me nearly insane. I am jealous of that love…jealous because I want to be greedy and not share his special spirit with the rest of the world. I knew that I am sounding like a spoiled rotten baby who is pouting after having to be told to share his favorite toy…but lately that is the only way I can feel. I miss the Mikey of my youth some days so much that I fear that I may go mad with want of him and then other days I praise a higher power for making him the man that he is today. Confused…don't be. Because the plain and simple truth is that I am completely head over heels in love with my best friend and the most important person in my life. I've always loved Michael…but in the last year since Justin left me for a man his own age I've come to realize it more. I've wanted to tell him…wanted to let him know just how much he means to me and how much I want to be more then his best friend. However…the opportunity just never seemed to present itself…or more to the point I just chickened out each time that it did.

It's amazing to me just how much of a giver my love is…and yet at the same time it not so surprising at all. Even at a young age he used to give of himself and that special spark of his freely…but now as an adult he still has such a great ability to share…but to a greater extent. He is quick to help where he is needed…manually or spiritually. Sometimes it just takes a hint of one of his beautiful smiles to lift someone out of the deepest funk possible…trust me I know since I been there more then a few times and a flash of pearly whites was all it took to bring me back from the pits of hell. He gives of his time freely as well…helping out everyone and anyone that may see use of it.

He is a father of two children…three if you count my own son whom he loves as if he were his own…who adore him with their very souls. He is an adoring son to a mother that could not be prouder of the man that he has turned out to be…and not ashamed to take at least some of the credit. He is a constant companion to his friends and loved ones who would lay their very life of the line if this man asked them too. He is an advocate for the whole gay community of Liberty Avenue…heading several support groups such as gay parenting and the rehabilitating of our local streetwalkers. He is everything to everyone and not once have I ever heard him complain about it. He lives to help others and I can only wish that I could be as loving and helpful as he is.

He…with the help of Ben before his death…has transformed Hunter into a stable and secure young man. He is the captain of the debate team for his college and has even started his own very successful version of a gay/straight alliance. The daughter he shares with the two lesbians is the light of his life and the apple of his eye. She shares the same easy demeanor and beautiful heart as her father. And like her father…anyone that looks upon her dark chocolate eyes…surrounded by a cherub face falls under her spell immediately. I love her as if she is my own…love and spoil her rotten as each time I see her I am brought back to a time when Michael and I were oh so young. A time when it was just the two of us…allowing nothing to get in our way of what we wanted most. However…the truth of the matter is that everyone and everything comes between us these days.

With work…family obligations and what not there just isn't much time left for the Mikey and Brian show. We are both so busy these days that whenever the chance to spend any time together comes around we are both to exhausted to do much of anything. The sad part is that in the last year alone I have not spent more then a couple of hours at a time with the man whom I used to spend hours upon hours with. Our phone calls are limited to two or three a week if we are lucky and even then they are constantly interrupted by other's who are demanding of that time. I don't want to say that we have fallen away from each other…but in retrospect…through no fault of our own this is what has happened. I miss Michael. I miss him so much some days that I feel as if my heart is dying. I miss the playful candor that was constantly between us. I miss the touching…the holding…the feeling of just being in the same room as him. I miss the way that his smile would just light up a room…and the way that his eyes would shine with such love for me that it took my breath away each time. Jesus…I love him so much and he is totally oblivious to this plain and simple fact.

But loving Michael has never been an issue…at least not to me. To the rest of the world it may have seemed that I was indifferent to the love that Michael so passionately held for me…but inside it was a raging battle that I almost lost time and time again. I've been in love with Michael from the first moment I laid eyes on him almost thirty years ago. He likes to think that he noticed me first as I walked into Mrs. Renthro's class all those years ago…but he has no idea just how wrong he is. I was the first to notice him that first day in that new school as he walked down the hallway with some kid talking animatedly about what I can only guess. His smile was the first thing that I noticed about him…but it was those eyes that sucked me in and pulled me down for the count. He didn't notice me as the two of them walked by me as I sat outside the principles office waiting for my mother to enroll me…but I saw everything. I watched a two bullies walked past them…watched as they winked at each other before turning around and knocking them both to the ground. I watched in stunned silence as they high fived each other as if they had actually done something worth celebrating before walking away laughing. I watched as the dark haired one pulled him self off of the ground…dusted him self off as if nothing had just happened before helping his friend up as well. I watched as he turned to watch the two retreating figures still howling at the fun they just had…a look of pure hurt and non-understanding radiating from shimmering eyes. I was a goner right there…because I knew that there was something different about that kid…something that I wanted to be a part of…no matter what.

"Brian…" I hear a distant voice cry out to me. "Brian…hey Brian"

"Huh…what?" I ask…shaking the haze of our past from my body.

"Where were you?" he laughs as he turns to take in the swarm of frenzied male dancers behind us. "He must be one hell of a hunk to have to this entranced" his laughter continues as he gazes up at me with another one of his patentant Mikey smiles.

"Come again" I ask…gazing into the chocolate pools of his eyes.

"Whatever trick you had your eye on. He must be hot as hell to have you in such a daze" he repeats…tapping me playfully on the arm before turning around to scan the sea of men once again in search for this imaginary man.

"Do you want to get out of here?" I say…not really asking as I grab him by the hand and lead the two of us out into the alley of our once favorite hangout.

"Whoa…hold up there speedy" he giggles breathlessly…jerking us to a stop as he tries to catch his breath. "Where's the fire?" his laughter is contagious as I wrap my arms around his shoulders and pull him against my trembling body. "Brian…are you ok?" his laughter turns to concern as he looks up at me once again with those doe eyes of his.

"I'm fine" I lie…because I am not fine. I am less then fine because I am in love with this man and have no earthly idea how to tell him. "I guess that Babylon just isn't my scene anymore" I take the somewhat easy way out as I once again pull him into my arms where I need him the most.

"Yeah…I know what you mean" he agrees…snuggling his face into the crevice of my neck. "It seems like ages ago that we were part of the party scene…and now all I can think about is sitting on my couch in front of the tube with a beer in one hand and the remote in the other" his laughs uneasily…pulling away from me with an embarrassed laugh. "Man…we're getting so old aren't we?"

"Some are older then others" I laugh…once again taking his hand into my own. "So come on old man…lets go have us a beer and watch some TV at your place"

We drive to his home in near silence…except for the occasional outburst from the man sitting besides me. I can't help but smile as he goes on and on about a new gay comic book that is now on the market. His hands fly everywhere…a smile plastering his handsome face as he boasts about how the writers had asked him to help out on their new project. As expect right from the get go the comic was a great success…almost as successful as that first issue of Rage was almost a million years ago. I find it still hard to believe that thanks to the success of Rage that Michael is living quite well. He owns his own home…drives an expensive car and is the proud proprietor of more then twenty Red Cape Comic Books stores. He has branched out…following in Ben's footsteps if you will…into writing children's books as well. The entire Mikey's great adventures series has been a great success and there is even talk of a cartoon version in the works. I am so proud of Michael and his endeavors…so very fucking proud…because I know that in part my constant urgings have lead him to this path that he is now upon.

So deep in thought I don't hear him speak to me…but I nearly jump out of my skin as he lays his hand upon my heated cheek. "Are you sure you are ok?" I hear him ask me for the second time that night as I once again shake off my wandering mind. "Why don't we call it a night you…"

"NO…" I speak adamantly…turning to face him. "I mean…I'm not ready to call it a night. Jesus Mikey…we never get to see each other anymore and I…and I…"

"I miss you too" he finishes for me and I can't help but smile because I know that he gets it.

"You do?" I beam…leaning in just a bit closer until my face is hovering mere inches from his face. "How much do you miss me?" I tease…leaning my forehead against his as I fall into the comfort of this all to familiar moment.

"You have no idea" he responds breathlessly and my heart begins to soar…for he sounds just like the Mikey of my past.

"Oh I bet that I do" I respond just as breathless as I press our foreheads just that much closer…gazing into his always-expressive eyes.

"You do?" he asks and I could swear I feel him shiver.

"I do" I vow almost silently as I take the opportunity that is present and press my lips against his own. It is just a small kiss…but it is enough to assure me that my Mikey still loves me just as much as I need him to love him. With a song in my heart and a whistle upon my just kissed lips…I exit the car. "Come on Mikey…you still owe me that beer"

It's been an hour since we have come here…an hour of sitting on the couch drinking our beers as we rehash some of the great and not so great times of our past. He is only sitting a cushions length away…but it feels as if it is the biggest cavern separating us. I am dying to touch him…dying to kiss him once again…but I am afraid. Yes…believe it or not Brian Kinney is afraid to make a move on a man. But…Michael isn't just any man…he never has been. He's the one…the one that was put on this earth to keep me grounded. He is the one that was created only for me…despite that fact that it took me way to many lost years to figure that out. The need to touch him finally gets the best of me as I perform the oldest trick in the book…yawning while stretching my arms out. I hear him chuckle as I place my arms around his shoulder sliding across the small expanse of space. "Smooth move there Brian" he giggles and I can't help but giggle myself as I pull him even closer to me. A small sigh of contentment expels from my lips as he nestles his face within the crevice of my neck…his free arm wrapping around my chest as his hand rest upon my cheek.

"God I miss this" I hear him whisper softly as he nuzzles my neck with his nose. "I miss spending time with you like this just the two of us"

"Me too Mikey" I return…pulling away slightly in order to look upon his face. He's so devastatingly handsome that it causes the breath I have been holding to catch within my throat. With slow and nervous measures I reach out and begin to caress the softness of his cheek with my thumb…never once breaking the lock that our eyes have upon each other. I could stare forever in these eyes…could lose myself daily in their calming depths and never grow tired of it. I want more…I am ready for more…and I am willing to wait an infinite amount of time to get what I want. "I love you Michael" I blurt out before I have a chance to stop the words and yet I don't get the reaction that I would have expected to get. Instead of pain filled words of upset for waiting to long…I get the complete opposite.

"I love you too Brian" he whispers tearfully as he leans forward and cups my face within his manly hands. I feel like a kid again sharing my first kiss with my first love…because in a sense it is like sharing my first kiss with my first love. Slowly our faces move together…so slowly in fact that I feel that I may go mad from the wait…but I will not rush it. My body sets ablaze once our lips come in contact…because it has finally found its soul match. Our kiss is different…so unlike the hundreds upon hundreds of kisses we have shared in the past. It is a kiss of loving understanding…a kiss that proves to me once and for all that here with him is where I am supposed to be for the rest of my life.

"Brian…Brian…what are we doing?" I hear him ask…fully winded after breaking our kiss of loving exploration.

"Something we should have done a long time ago Mikey" I whisper…tracing his grinning cheek with the longness of my finger. I watch the smile quickly disappear from his face as a look of pure determination replaces it. I feel his body as he pulls fully away from me…causing my own frown to inhabit my face. Tiny trembles of fear begin to prick places on my body for I fear that he is pulling away from me once again…fearful that once again I am playing with his heart. But…they don't' last long as he stands before me…hand outward as he beckons for me to take it. Without question or hesitation I do as he asks…allowing him to lead me towards the room where we will make love for the first time.

By the time we reach the room my heart is beating so quickly within my chest that I can't quite catch my breath…my hands are shaking so much that I know Michael has got to be feeling the vibrations from it all…but as I look at him he looks completely relaxed. I am petrified to death that I won't live up to the expectations of the man that I love and that thought terrifies me beyond belief. "I love you Brian" I hear him whisper calmly against my ear as he wraps his arms around my neck. Closing my eyes I allow the heat of his body to soak into my own as I clutch him tightly against me. Immediately I begin to feel the calming sense that is only my Mikey as the reality of the situation hits me like a ton of bricks. After all our years together…after being there for each other time and time again…where I thought he needed me more then I ever needed him. I've come to realize that he never needed me like I need him. I thought I was the one who pushed him away…giving him the freedom to live a life of his own…but that wasn't true. He was taking those steps on his own…living the life that he was supposed to lead…without me in it.

He took those steps…made the necessary adjustments to become the man that he is today…where I did not. I had opportunities to leave…chances to move on with my life and become the man that I thought I needed to me. However…I never did. Not once when the opportunity presented itself did I make that move. Oh I talked the big talk…even somewhat walked the big walk…but I never followed through with anything. I wouldn't…I couldn't…if it meant that I was away from my life support system. Michael…has always been my reason for living…my very reason for existing and up until this very night have I never been able to admit it to anyone…especially myself. Not having Michael in my life in one way or another is like a day without sunshine…without color…without life. He is my everything and always has been…and now…right at this very moment as we prepare to share of our bodies and our souls it's time to prove to him just how much he means to me.

Without a second thought I push him away from where I want to hold him most…fall down on one knee as I look up into those beautiful shock filled eyes. Holding his hand within my own…I kiss it lightly before once again focusing on the task I am about to perform. "Michael Charles Novotny…I have loved you for far to many years to count. I've pushed you away…hurt you…never let you know just how much I love you and how much you mean to me. But…tonight as I kneel here before you I want you to know just how important you are to me…how much I need you in my life and always will. I love you so much Mikey and no matter what might happen later in our life…what obstacles might end up in our way…nothing will ever change the way that I feel about you. Michael…Mikey…I don't want to wait anymore…don't want to waste anymore time apart from you and the life that we should be already living. So…I ask you…will you marry me?"

He doesn't say a word…but I know him so well that he doesn't have to as he falls to his knees before me. Tears blaze down his handsome face as he cups my equally tearful face within his hands. I can literally count every tooth in his mouth as he beams happily before me…but thoughts of counting pearly whites disappear in an instant as he flings his arms around my neck…capturing my unsuspecting lips under his own. My head is a buzz from the pure joy of what has just happened…what is going to happen as we continue to share such a soul ensuring kiss of pure and utter happiness.

"Holy shit…" he cries out against my lips…ending our first engagement kisses.

"What?" I question winded as I pull away searching his face.

"What are we going to tell my mother?" he asks…fear fully evident in his dark eyes. "She will never go for this…not without a fight. She doesn't believe that you and I belong together…she never has"

"I don't give two shits about what your mother thinks" I respond…trying like hell to continue with the foreplay…for I am now fully ready to make love to my soon to be husband.

"Brian…" he replies…a small smile escaping over him.

"Ok…Ok…I give two shits…but can we worry about convincing your mother that we belong together after I have made mad and passionate love to you" I tease…nipping not so playfully at his protruding bottom lip.

"Ok…" he whispers passionately…grabbing the back of my head as he kisses me with an all fired passion that has me floating on air in a matter of mere seconds. All thoughts of his mother…or anything else fly out the window as my full focus becomes the man that I feel pressed against my body. Today…our lives begin a new. I will miss the Brian and Mikey of our past…but it is just that the past. Today as we prepare to share of our bodies and our souls be begin life anew…a life predestined within the stars many hundreds of years ago and I couldn't be happier.

The End…


End file.
